Photo | HUFFPOST
There will be debate in heaven before crafting our chap, God will steal a gaze at Jesus-His personal assistant- He’ll then stretch out His giant arm, tap Jesus on the shoulder and will ask him whether Kapenda should be crafted a he or she. And since Angel Gabby is a chap chap guy and knows that a stitch in time saves nine, he’ll come in handy and point his staff at the trifling lump of soil just below Abraham’s feet. Then they’ll all grin, they’ve created billions of people and know that the sand under father Abby’s feet isn’t enough to plant sufficient soft flesh on Kapenda’s chest – the kind of flesh that boys’ fingers become itchy and want to touch and feel. Neither will that soil be enough to make fine bottoms, bottoms that will leave men mouth agape as Kapenda wiggles and waggles past them. Yes, so whether Kapenda likes it or not, they (God and His council) will make Kapenda a dude. So he can come and compete with someone’s granddad (who skipped the adolescent stage) to win a confused girlfriend. Kapenda will also love sluts, sorry, skirts. As in he will love skirts.
So one day he will be sitting a cat, or will be in church, or will be attending a cuzo’s bash, or he will be seated in some bar corner somewhere in town. That’s not my business. What I know is, he (Kapenda) will at least be somewhere in this our beautiful country and will spot a fine chic. By fine chic I mean a fairly tall, yellow, with a slightly elongated forehead, some well-drawn eyelashes and fountain, and the hunny will be endowed with fine tits. Oh! And that hunny will have a killer booty. So Kapenda’s lips will be set ajar by this girl’s jiggling ass, succeeded by a colorless liquid that will effortlessly escape his wide lips and drip on the floor.
He will be left with no option but to pursue her. And because he has indisputable expertise in tuning girls, it won’t take long before the girl starts smiling coyly to his witticism that any stranger spotting them five minutes into their chat will think they’ve been bff’s. Boy! That girl will like the way Kapenda will compliment and fondle her hair, so she’ll give in to Kapenda’s requests and desires, one of the wishes being taking Kapenda’s number for further talk. She’ll say her name is Tasha. So they will bond and date. And they will love each other and make an ocean of promises.
Weeks later, they’ll move into a bedsitter.
Things will work pretty well thereafter. They will both graduate and throw a swanky wedding, possibly one of the best weddings ever witnessed this side of Sahara. And they will secure good jobs and own a fine apartment in the outskirts of Nairobi.
They will be blessed with two cute kids; a bouncing baby boy (I don’t know why boys have to be bouncing though) and a gorgeous girl. However, Tasha’s sexiness will begin to fade away after she will have delivered her second born. She will transform from the curvaceous beautiful girl she was into a woman: her breasts will lose weight and start to resemble those long slender avocados we buy in Muthurua. Her teen killer sexy curves will since rest in peace.
Actually, Kapenda will endure living in his own house and will hate returning from work – he will hate seeing Tasha daily. That woman will no longer be the curvaceous Tasha that he drooled over and approached five years ago, she’ll no longer be the beautiful Tasha that he bragged about and introduced to all cousins and to everybody he met in town. Kapenda will miss the party queen that everybody talked about in school then, he’ll miss the Miss Nairobi Campus diva that scooped all beauty pageant trophies in school then. He’ll miss the Tasha who danced and twirled and drove men crazy on numerous podiums in school then. Nanii! Are we communicating? Are we?
Tasha will no longer be the diva described above. We are talking about Tasha, now the mother of two, not Tasha the campus diva who used to teach other girls how to smoke sheesha. Five years down the line, Tasha will now be the most boring woman that Kapenda ever encountered.
Kapenda will be the branch manager of a multi-national company – say Coca Cola Company. So there will be a Coca Cola heads’ seminar in which he will represent his branch in a one-week seminar. On the second day of that conference he’ll again spot a hardly 25-year-old hot lady. Hotter than his now ageing wife. Not actually ageing but Tasha the mother of two.
So Kapenda will wink at her during one of those panel sessions and later request to share a coffee moment with her, fortunately the girl will be mature and kind enough to accede. He will then fully utilize that opportunity to present his ever fluent vibes. They’ll agree and spend more time together and do lots of stuff as well as romantic chemistry during that summit week. Kapenda will love the way that girl tastes, (you know what that means)?
The seminar will however end too soon for our Kapenda and her new girl that they will crave its extension. Kapenda will hate coming back home to meet his wife and the two kids, but there will be no otherwise, he will have to come. Tasha will give him a very warm welcome, but our guy’s mind will be elsewhere. He will be planning when to fly out of the country for a date with her new girl, so he’ll be absent-minded. He will neglect his kids and spend most of his time on phone while at home. He will develop a habit of coming home very late from work. The love for his wife Tasha will die.
Tasha will be worried about her hubby’s late conduct so she’ll launch a secret investigation. She will miss the Kapenda that used to run around with her kids in the compound, she will miss the man that used to carry her to bed and tease her all night long. She will miss the man that used to make the funniest stories in the house. She will miss the man that used to grant her access to his phone and financial pins and passwords. She will miss the Kapenda that used to be the Ronaldo in bed. All she’ll now be having is a man full of excuses: oh I’m not in the mood tonight… oh today there was so much labor at work… oh I realized someone was siphoning my account so I had to change my bank account pin… blah blah.
Tasha will suffer trauma and will invite a counselor. Kapenda will be frank enough to reveal that he got a sexier hunny – one whose boobs are still erect at 90 degrees, one who has the latest widest butt in town, the girl that every politician now wants to sleep with. Tasha will only retaliate in one sentence: “Wasn’t I the hottest girl in town when you married me?” there will be silence. Kapenda will fold his hands and face the floor. The invited counsellor will clear her throat. Tough moment for this counselor.
Tasha will rise and head for their bedroom, leaving Kapenda and the psychotherapist in the main room. Two minutes later, they will here a car engine kick to life outside, and a number of hooting – probably commanding the gateman to let the car out.
They’ll still be discussing when Kapenda’s phone will ring, he’ll excuse himself and pick up the call. The voice from the receiver will command him to hurry to Kenyatta National Hospital and check his critically wounded patient – Tasha, who rammed into a lorry on Langata Road a few minutes ago.